7 Mindsets of Connectors by Michelle Tillis Lederman

Jason Hartman hosts Michelle Tillis Lederman, author of The Connector’s Advantage, The 11 Laws of Likability, Heroes Get Hired, and Nail The Interview – Land The Job. She talks about why likability works and presents the type of mindset people need in order to succeed in business. She explains what Mood Memory is and how to have conversations without offending people.

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Jason Hartman 1:00
Welcome to the show. This is Jason Hartman, your host and every 10th episode, we do something kind of special kind of different. What we do is we go off topic so regardless of which show it is on the Hartman media network, whether it be one of the financial shows economics, real estate investing, a travel, longevity, all of the other topics that we have every 10th episode, we go off topic, and we explore something of general interest, something of general life success value. And so many of our listeners around the world in 164 countries have absolutely loved our 10th episode shows. So that’s what we’re going to do today. And let’s go ahead and get to our guests with a special 10th episode show. And of course, on the next episode, we’ll be back to our regular programming. Here we go. It’s my pleasure to welcome Michelle Tillis Letterman to the show. She is CEO of executive essential And bestselling author of the 11 laws of likability relationship networking people do business with people they like and the new book the connectors advantage seven mindsets to grow your influence and impact Michelle How are you?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 2:15
I’m great. Thanks for having me on

Jason Hartman 2:16
the show. Good to have you you’re coming to us from New Jersey right?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 2:18
I am a jersey girl.

Jason Hartman 2:19
So likability, I mean, if this is the secret sauce to life, isn’t it I

Michelle Tillis Lederman 2:24
think likability and relationships are the keys to happiness, success, all of the good stuff

Jason Hartman 2:30
take us through I like how you’ve really laid out and made very clear these laws of likability, take us through some of those, I don’t think we have time to hit all of them, but just highlight them for us, if you would,

Michelle Tillis Lederman 2:41
sure. I break them up into the core, the thread number one is the law of authenticity. And then we structure is basically what we do before, during, and after a conversation. So the before laws are authenticity, the law of self image, and the law of perception. So how we see ourselves how others see us and the law of energy now That’s kind of getting our head and our mindsets all in the right place. And then we move on to the conversation where we focus on the law of curiosity, which gets our conversations going. The law of listening, which enables us to actually be that dance of the conversation, the law of similarity, how we find those commonalities and connection points in the conversation, and then the law of mood memory, which is how we ensure that somebody feels good in that exchange with us.

Jason Hartman 3:23
mm mood memory. Can you elaborate on that one? I think the others are, you know, people have a clue as to what you’re talking about there. But what is mood memory?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 3:30
Sure. Mood memory is the idea that we will remember more about how someone makes us feel than anything that they said. So have you ever been like walking down the street with like a big grin on your face and looking really silly if anybody looked at you, because you were thinking about something or someone,

Jason Hartman 3:45
right? Sure. Yeah.

Michelle Tillis Lederman 3:47
That’s the idea of mood memory. And you don’t know exactly what but it’s just you’re got that blank eating grin on your face. Right, right.

Jason Hartman 3:55
So you’re saying that we want to give someone that mood memory in question. conversation, right?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 4:01
Yeah, we want somebody to feel good, okay, in our exchange, and it could be a lot of different things, it could just be the attention that you’re paying somebody, it could be the interest you’re showing in them. It could be the similarities that you find the common interest, the common values, the common experiences, it could be that you ask for advice and make them feel valued and valuable. So a lot of things could contribute to that memory.

Jason Hartman 4:21
Okay. Any tips like any specific things, we should drop into a conversation or things we should say on any of the topics but maybe, especially mood memory?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 4:33
It isn’t about and I don’t believe in scripts, I really believe in individual exchanges with one person. And

Jason Hartman 4:39
I say that I don’t mean a script. But I mean, more like talking points, you know, conceptual framework, you know,

Michelle Tillis Lederman 4:45
I think about the anatomy of a conversation. So we’re still kind of in those middle Four Laws of the book. And if I were to kind of lay you out for a conversation that ensures a good close, we start by asking a question that we’re really interested in an open ended question that gets somebody talking, as well. We are moving through the conversation. We’re listening and probing probing for more information without interrogating, and we’re listening and sharing, sharing some of ourselves. So we have to make sure that that opening question is really something that we’re comfortable sharing about as well. And we’re interested in because if we ask something we don’t care about the conversations not going to go very far. Mm hmm. Okay, in step three of the anatomy is the extension, the connection, that’s what we’re looking for those similarities. And that’s where connection forms, is when we find that a ha moment or Oh, you too, you know, I was at or I know that person or whatever the association, or common shared experience or value makes us start to feel connected to somebody. And that’s the point of the conversation when you’re looking for your follow up your next point of contact, because the goal of a connector is always to move from conversation to connection. So we don’t want the conversation to just be one and done. So once you know what that follow up might be, you’re ready to close. And that’s where mood memory comes in. We want to think about how do we close a conversation down Without making them feel like we’re done with you.

Jason Hartman 6:02
Mm hmm. Right, right. Yeah. Good point. Good point. You know, you might also even take that into the, the concept of maybe Seinfeld when they’re ending, like, leave on a high. There was even an episode about that. Will they remember the last thing from the conversation is that one of the points of the mood memory concept,

Michelle Tillis Lederman 6:18
the attention span of people usually is highest at the beginning and highest at the end. So if you have this great conversation, and then you start to make them feel like, yeah, I’m done with you, then you can really damage memory, even if it’s been great. So yeah, that close is as key as the entire conversation to ensuring that mood memory is positive.

Jason Hartman 6:37
So if you’re at a party, or you know, maybe even a aptly labeled networking event, well, how do you do that? Because that, you know, it doesn’t, you know, seems sort of abrupt some time of like, Oh, I got to get on to talking to the next person. That’s been fun. But, you know, how do you do that segue?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 6:54
There’s a lot of options. And I actually in the first book, The likability book, I give a whole bunch of ways to close so Here’s a few. When we are in one of those networking events, there’s typically a bar or food or something. So that’s always an exit strategy, you might say, I’m going to get a drink, would you like one, and that exit, or to join. But in that transition, when you’re both getting drinks, sometimes that separation happens naturally. What also happens as you’re transitioning to another location is you can pick up people along the way. This is actually one of my favorite ways to close, which is really open to open the circle of conversation to include others, which changes the dynamic. So if I’m having a conversation, and we kind of hit our ending point, what it might say is, the person over there looks like they’re looking for somebody to talk to let’s go over there and invite them to join us. And so now that you’ve a third person, when they start talking, it might be easier for you to excuse yourself, or you now have a new dynamic to the conversation. You might want to stay engaged.

Jason Hartman 7:50
Okay, good, good, good stuff. So connecting your your latest book is is the connectors book. When you say connecting Are you talking about connecting in terms of networking connecting or connecting one on one, I guess it’s both right, just kind of give us the overall premise, if you would.

Michelle Tillis Lederman 8:08
So the book is called the connectors advantage. And the idea is that when you are a connector, which is somebody who is relationship focused and driven in the way in which they approach life and business and people and everything, they will get whatever it is they’re working on, whether it’s a new job, a new sale, a new client, promotion, happiness, health, all of these things, you will get that result faster, easier and better. And so that’s the advantage. So what I talked about in where I know what kind of jumping between the two books, the laws of likability are about how connection and how we enable likability and what we do before, during and after the conversation. I always say networking is something you do, but a connector is someone that you are, it’s a way of thinking and being an interacting. And so there’s levels of connector from non connector to emerging responsive acting all the way up to global superconductor. And what I want from people to understand is that anybody can infuse these mindsets into their interactions, and reap that same reward. Because those relationships, those connections that we build, and it’s not just a one on one, it’s not just in a networking environment, it is the neighbor. It is the person who was a camp with it’s the connections that you really truly had in your life that you can call upon that enables that speed of result. Okay, good. Good.

Jason Hartman 9:25
So is it connecting other people or takes through the connectors book a little bit.

Michelle Tillis Lederman 9:30
So a connector, as I said, has a certain way of doing things. And there’s two levers that we can pull to kind of what I called level up the connector spectrum. One is the initiation versus the responsiveness. So an emerging or responsive connector will connect with people or make a connection for people but it’s usually upon request. If we want to be more of an acting connector, we will initiate we will suggest Hey, you might want to know this person, or might reach out like I just did about 30 minutes ago, I reached to you on LinkedIn. And so it’s initiating that connection and then extending it. So if you’re more in the driver’s seat, and you’re initiating more both the reach out and value adding to those connections that you have, whether it’s through making connections or through sharing information or invitations or a lot of other ways that we can add value, then you are moving yourself up. The other way that we move up the spectrum is through our breadth and depth of connections. So once we are initiating, we’re probably an acting connector. But if we want to be a nice connector or a super connector, we need to have breadth and depth. Somebody who has Do you know somebody who you would say, Oh, he or she knows everybody in blank, kosher, yeah. Okay, that’s the epitome of a nice connector. The person who knows everybody in that field in that geography in that function in that whatever. My sister’s, one of those She’s a nice connector in the real estate foreclosure market in the state of New Jersey, but she’s actually now getting a breath as well. So the depth gives you the niche. The breath gives you the suit So now she’s expanded beyond New Jersey. It’s still a bit of a niche in terms of her industry, but it’s a little bit more of a breath in terms of geography. So when we are broadening beyond our function beyond our industry beyond our hierarchy level, beyond our demographics and geographics. That’s what become a super connector. And if you cross your own country’s borders now you’re a global super connector.

Jason Hartman 11:23
Mm hmm. Okay, good, good stuff. So it sounds like the connector is more of a almost like the context from which a person lives and the likeability is more like content. In terms of here’s how to be more likeable. Would that be a fair statement?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 11:42
I like how you made that framework. There’s just one tweak. I will say, we can’t make anybody like us. So. And that’s something I think is so important. One of the publishers of that book that made an offer said they wanted to change it to like 50 ways to make somebody like you and I said, No, no, no, no. You can’t make somebody like you what you can do is enable them to see what is likable about you. And with that tweak, I love exactly how you put that framework. Good, good.

Jason Hartman 12:07
What else do you want people to

Michelle Tillis Lederman 12:08
know? I want people to know what these seven mindsets are because they’re probably already doing some of them. And I want to encourage people to recognize what’s already working, and where they can start to level up, as I said,

Jason Hartman 12:21
so any things that you see over and over when you’re out there consulting in the world and talking about these topics that are sort of the easy wins for people? Maybe the low hanging fruit?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 12:32
Yes. Okay. So here’s let me list them out for you. And then I’m going to give you the easy one. So the seven mindsets are that connectors are open and accepting. They have a clear vision. They believe in abundance. They trust their social and curious, they’re conscientious and they have a generous spirit. And a lot of these things are already kind of in our mindset, but having a clear vision is a really good low hanging fruit for people because the only way to get the advantage is to actually have clarity of what you’re working on. I always say if there’s one thing that your listeners do after this call to infuse the mindset of a connector a little bit more into their interactions, it’s to have a question that they always ask. And if any of these it could be, how can I help you? What are you working on? Who would you like to meet right now? What are you excited about? Any kind of question like that, that enables you to start to figure out how you might be a value of service or assistance to this person you’re speaking to?

Jason Hartman 13:29
I’m glad you brought that up. I’d like you to almost take that from the flip side, when you are interacting with someone who follows these principles. And there are some really great people out there doing all of this stuff. I can’t say I’m one of them all the time, but I drive. But when someone asks you that question, you know, how can I help you? And I feel like it’s very hard for me to answer that question. I’d like to actually take them up on it. I sort of don’t know what to ask for or how to, you know how to let them help me sometimes because Cuz I don’t know, I just have so much going on. There’s so many things, it’s sort of hard to distill something, it’s almost beneficial to be sort of ready and think about that, isn’t it?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 14:10
That’s exactly you read my mind, because that’s why I said, This is such a low hanging fruit. Because if you abuse that question into your interactions, you’re going to get that question back. And when you have a clear vision, you’ll be ready for that question. And so that’s what I want everybody. It doesn’t have to be your 10 year plan, your five year plan or in your one year plan, or it could just be what are you focused on right now? And so I encourage everybody to think about just one thing. Don’t worry about, oh, my god, you’re willing to help me what big thing Can I ask? It doesn’t have to be big. It could be you know, hey, I’m going on vacation. You know, next week. What would be great is if you have any restaurants you like in that area, it could be small. Remember, we’re just trying to stay connected, but it’s something that’s important to you. Right then. Right now. I mean, there’s a lot of things that I want to accomplish in my life. Um, there’s a lot of things that you want to accomplish, just pick one. And have that be your focus at that time. So right now my focus is the connectors advantage and, and sharing the message and spreading the word about how important this is for people and that it matters. And that’s it. Yeah. Somebody says, What are you working on? or How can I help you? I’m like, help me spread the word.

Jason Hartman 15:17
In one of the books, you talk about using technology, you know, we’re all inundated by social media nowadays. And certainly, it’s a great tool, but it can also be very unproductive time waster. Any suggestions for using technology to sort of increase one’s ability to connect?

Michelle Tillis Lederman 15:37
Absolutely. I am a little technical, but not compared to most people like I’m one of those middle of the road adopters. So my feeling is don’t overdo it in terms of being on every social media platform out there. Think about where the people you want to connect with are and pick 123 platforms. I must admit I’m probably on four but the fourth is only because I want to see what my son Doing on Instagram. I love LinkedIn. That’s my platform of choice. People who are in industries and professions or hobbies that are more visual. They might be on Pinterest or Instagram. So you really want to think about which one you enjoy being on, which is the one where the people you want to connect with are and be active and be present in just that one or two or three, but no more you just starts to become, as you said, a time waster. Yeah, I think when we connect online, the goal is to bring it offline. And when we connect offline, we can extend and strengthen that connection by connecting online. So the more channels that we connect over, the more we are routed in that connection, and the more ways that we have to stand somebody’s mind without getting in their face.

Jason Hartman 16:44
any specifics on how to use the platform. You know, I don’t use LinkedIn very much you really like LinkedIn. I personally as much as I hate them philosophically for all their abuses of our privacy and such, but I like the Facebook software. With bapst I like that platform. I just think it’s very well organized. But if you’re you know, if your business consumer Facebook is better, LinkedIn is more b2b, right? You know, any specific things you do on any given platform. To use it more effectively,

Michelle Tillis Lederman 17:14
one of the things that we’re doing on the platform is looking for our connection points. So when I went on, and I connected to you on LinkedIn, I looked at who we had in common, and I look for outliers, like how would they know that person? You know, sometimes it’s very Oh, I know why they know that person I know it, then it enables a conversation. And so when I connect to you, I might put a note saying how do you know so and so I went to camp with them, or I went to Grammar School with them. And so it creates that law of association, it creates that connection. On Facebook, it doesn’t matter which platform it is, liking something or putting a comment shows engagement. And what happens when you want to build relationship with somebody when your name pops up in their social media, whichever the platform is, you become familiar, and then we start to build trust and that familiarity gives us that idea that We know somebody, I actually was in the city today, doing a videocast with somebody who I’ve known for probably five years, and I’ve never met her in person, we’ve only connected online, she heard me on a podcast, she asked me to be a guest. We’ve Skyped we video chatted, it’s all been virtual. So you can really build relationships through all of this technology. So what I would tell you, and I’ll focus on LinkedIn a little bit, because that’s where I spend a lot of my time is when you reach out to somebody reach out with a specific note, here’s how I saw you. Here’s how I found you. I heard you on Jason’s podcast and love this message and would love to connect, you’ll get an email back from me. If you do it on the app. Be careful because on the app, you can’t put a note. So then later, you might want to send a message along with it. Because I’ve gotten caught by that one myself. And LinkedIn has to fix that. But the the personalization of however you are reaching out to somebody and letting them know why goes a long way and then when they accept, extend the conversation. Don’t just be like okay, now we’re connected online. Your goal is to build relationship.

Jason Hartman 19:00
Good, we’ll wrap it up for us and please give out your website and tell the listeners where they can find out more.

Michelle Tillis Lederman 19:06
Yes, the best way to find me is at my website Michelle with two L’s Tillis ti Ll is Letterman led er ma n comm from there you can get to my YouTube channel. I’ve got success shorty videos with lots of tips and tricks that are about a minute long each. You can find my blog, you can find my LinkedIn, you can find my professional Facebook page. And that’s another thing about social media, personal and professional. Sometimes we have separate accounts. And just tell me where you found me. I would love to connect with you.

Jason Hartman 19:34
Excellent. Michelle, thank you so much for joining us.

Michelle Tillis Lederman 19:36
Thanks for having me on.

Jason Hartman 19:38
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