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Conspiracy Theories Gone Wild

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conspiracy theoriesAt Holistic Survival, we’re always up for good conspiracy theories and today we’ve got a few wingdingers for you. How does this topic relate even remotely to our sacred mission to teach you how to protect the people, places, and profits you care about? Well…er…we’re not sure it does actually but the funny part is imagining those in the audience who read one of the following and go, “Damn! I knew it!” Buckle up. Here we go.

Slightly Off The Wall Conspiracy #1
“Israel encourages sexual promiscuity among Palestinians by selling them hormone-laced bubblegum.” Apparently, the scientists in Cairo got wind of this trickery and tested the suspect gum, only to find that it did indeed contain progesterone which can cause arousal and also prevents pregnancies. The Washington Post had tests done by a chemistry professor at the Hebrew University – which came back negative. Of course, the Palestinians believe it. After all, it’s a war out there and no bubblegum is safe.

Almost Believable Conspiracy #2
“Alien reptiles are dominating the world.” This just in from BBC reporter David Icke: seven-foot tall, blood drinking reptile humanoids are hellbent on manipulating and controlling humanity. Likely humans related to these overlords are George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama. What, no Dick Cheney? Come on, man, it’s so obvious.

Where Do They Find These People Conspiracy #3
“Stephen King killed John Lennon.” Okay, ex-Beatle John Lennon was not killed by loopy drifter Mark David Chapman, but instead, was politically assassinated by a triumvirate of Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and Stephen King. Writer Steve Lightfoot reveals that all the proof we need can be found in back issues of Time, Newsweek, and US News & World Report. What we’re actually looking for is anyone’s guess.

Alrighty then. Put down the glue and step away from the crazy pills. That’s all, folks!

The Holistic Survival Team


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